Tom Cruise Renounces Scientology; Becomes Muslim Fundamentalist
Tom Cruise, the biggest male box-office attraction in American cinema, that is, until he recently displayed a variety of astonishingly off-putting antics, has now taken another dramatic step in his imaginative quest to end his career, which was largely based on his once seemingly cute and innocent appeal.
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Much to the dismay of his millions of fans, the film icon has renounced scientology and become a Moslem Fundamentalist.
Troubled by his apparently self-destructive behavior, we were able to arrange an interview.
NewsLaugh: You seem to be behaving in rather odd ways lately, Tom. Whats behind it all?
Cruise: You have no idea what its like to suddenly find yourself the most popular movie star in the world when you cant possibly see any reason youd reach such a pinnacle. So what happens is you get this really subliminal desire to take yourself down.
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NewsLaugh: Oh, so thats why youve been acting like a jackass?
Cruise: Exactly! I dont feel I deserve the celebrity, so Im trying to destroy my career any way I can.
NewsLaugh: Actually, youre doing an outstanding job.
Cruise: Well, you know, whatever it takes. At first I tried just jumping up and down on Oprahs couch and acting crazy in love. But, come on, that was way too sweet to do the kind of damage I was hoping to do.
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NewsLaugh: So you began to emphasize your strong belief in scientology?
Cruise: Well, came out about it in the most offensive ways I could think of.
NewsLaugh (pointing to his new beard and white turban): Why the Islamic Fundamentalist turn?
Cruise: Glad you asked. My new picture, Mission Impossible III, opened at $34 million. Of course, it was projected to open at $45 mil., but $34 mil. is still way more than I deserve. So I decided I had to do something really radical to finish off my career.
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NewsLaugh: Youre certainly chose effectively. It would be hard to imagine anything that would alienate more fans.
Cruise: So isnt it great? Im only holding back on one thing. Notice the white turban?
NewsLaugh: Its a little hard to miss.
Cruise: Right. I picked it because, as you know, the good buys always wear a white hat. I dont plan to switch to black unless I see that I still have some box-office appeal.
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NewsLaugh: Why cant you just get back to being the nice, excitable guy you appeared to be in films like Jerry McGuire? That’s obviously what your fans want.
Cruise: You really think so?
NewsLaugh: Of course. Is that how they came to know and love you?
Cruise: But, given my present state of mind, how can I possibly do that?
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NewsLaugh: True. Hey, just a suggestion, but maybe you should examine your present state of mind.
Cruise: You think so? Well, first let’s see how the beard and turban thing work out.